Great Jokes To Share!

[murray]

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

and testing were done, there were three finalists:

two men and one woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one

of the men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.

 

"We must know that you will follow your

instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill her."

 

The man said,

"You can't be serious.

I could never shoot my wife".

 

The agent said,

"Then you are not the right man for the job.

Take your wife and go home".

 

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes.

 

The man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 

The agent said,

"You don't have what it takes,

so take your wife and go home "

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions:

to kill her husband.

 

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

 

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,

wiping sweat from her brow.

 

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.

 

"I had to kill him with the chair."

[murray]

 

Trudeau goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of

Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

 

The undertakers tells the Canadian diplomats: "You can have him shipped

home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

 

The Canadian diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker

and tell him they still want Trudeau flown home.

 

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get

him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious

country and you would only spend $100?"

 

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was

buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply can't

take that risk".

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

[murray]

Dilemma.....

 

 

A YOUNG MALE STUDENT, ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMA?"

 

THE PROFESSOR SAID, WELL,,,,,,,,,,, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE ,,,,,,,,, TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."

 

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE, AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."

 

 

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

[lad]

Gas attack at Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD

purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

I got home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[murray]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

 

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Buddy, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 91 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had.. an elephant?

 

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

[lad]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like all that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England?

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

 

 

[DonAndersen]

Clever old Grannie...

 

 

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I did not do something useful with my time.

 

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

 

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

 

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with other people my age.

 

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

 

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

 

She replied, "ARE YOU NUTS?"

 

You are 78 years old and now you are going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

 

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

 

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "GOOD GRIEF, MOM, WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES?!"

 

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

 

"Oh man, I am in trouble again," I said, "I really do not know what to do.

 

I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

 

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

 

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[pokerfish]

Why us old guys don't get hired today:

 

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Guy : "Honesty!"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Guy : "I don't give a f**k what you think."

[ACT]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with a Hell's Angel??

 

 

Someone that comes to your door and tell YOU to f*** off!

[pokerfish]

 

 

 

But sought out by fly tiers everywhere - great for emergers

[fishinglibin]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[lad]

Police really do care

 

The Regina Police Service report finding a man's body in Wascana Creek,
near the RCMP grounds. The dead man's name will not be released until his
family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive
marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red
garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a
'Trudeau for PM' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The
police removed the Trudeau T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.

[fishinhogdaddy]

My son-in-law bought a new iPhone. Friend calls and asks him to go ice fishing. Out they go and as he is reeling in one, his phone pops out of his pocket and down the hole! Goes out the next week and buys a new phone. Doesn't learn his lesson and deposits his new phone in his upper pocket. Goes back to the same spot ice fishing, catches one and plop, another phone at the bottom of the lake.

His friend calls the next week and asks him to go out ice fishing again. Upon hearing the friend say he doesn't know how fishing would be, I remark, "Well, give em a call!"

FHD

[Nachako]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, "that guy must have been an avid fisherman." "Oh he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "As a mater of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

[Nachako]

Farmer Thought He Overpaid For This Rooster, But Was Shocked When It Did This

 

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

 

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

 

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

 

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.

 

Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

 

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

 

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

 

Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!

 

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

 

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

 

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

 

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “

[STACKS]

Cowboy and wife are at the local market grabbin a few things

 

cowboy puts a case off 7 dollar beer in the cart, wife looks at him shakes her head and puts it back on the shelf, says" we gotta watch our pocket book and bugdget"

 

so they walk around grab some more things

 

wife walks up to the cart with a 50 dollar tube of beauty cream, ma n looks at her shakes his head puts it on the shelf, says

"we gotta watch out pocket book and budget "

 

wife says " but honey thats so i can look beautiful for you"

 

cowboys goes " thats what the 7 dollar case of beer was for "

[lad]

I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Standoff Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:

I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.

After much chanting and drum beating, I stepped outside.

And WHAT THE ****? ‎


MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!

[murray]

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane?