Great Jokes To Share!

[murray]

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

 

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready

 

to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he

 

asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

 

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,

 

"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because

 

people like you murdered them before they could

 

experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service

 

them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually

 

ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting

 

duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

 

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.

 

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all

 

eternity?"

 

Allah replied,

 

 

"Who told you they were women?

[SilverDoctor]

How scientific studies work.

 

A study was set up in regard to noise and frogs. In the control experiment a frog was subjected to a loud horn. The frog leap forward. The scientists then removed the frogs left leg. They sounded the horn again and the frog jumped forward again, although awkwardly. The scientists then removed the frogs right leg and sounded the horn again. The frog didn't jump.

 

The Scientists concluded that if you remove both legs from a frog they go deaf.

[SilverDoctor]

A city boy went to visit his country cousin. He talked constantly about the virtues of city living and how deprived and uneducated county folk where. They walked across the field and the country boy bent over quickly several times, pick something up and quickly hide them in his pocket. What are you hiding there said the city dweller. "Haven't you heard of the smart pills we grow here? they will up you IQ" replied county.

 

"Quick give me a few" said city and he popped a few of the large shiny brown pills in his mouth and started to chew. "Those aren't pills" he said spitting them out, they taste like rabbit sh#t.

 

See they're working already said county smugly.

[billie]

Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change color?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A reptile dysfunction.

(sorry)

[murray]

 

 

 

 

Retired Husband

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

 

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women -

she loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal- m art:

 

Dear Mrs. Harris:

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

 

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato

juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

"Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

 

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a "Code 3."

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring

pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave

me alone?" EMT's were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

 

12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled

"PICK ME! PICK ME!"

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked,

"Where is the fitting room?"

 

And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.

 

[murray]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana; he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to

reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in

his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says, “We'll have a new one."

[billie]

Retired Husband After I retired............4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance.......

 

I'm thinking you just made this up, Walmart isn't unionized!

 

Cool ideas for when I retire though LOL.

[murray]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

 

 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

 

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. after several months of analysis - they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

 

 

 

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

 

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. I was impressed.

 

 

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

 

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

 

 

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

 

 

 

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

 

 

 

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

 

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

 

 

[murray]

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

[TerryH]

[cgyguy]

The Shocker Video

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CKmLdtcMNg!!....

 

Enjoy.............

[vhawk12]

The average North American male between ages 40-65 has sex once to twice a week. The average Japanese male of the same age has sex once to twice a year.

 

Most men don't find this shocking, they're more shocked to find out that they're Japanese.

[SilverDoctor]

The farm next door was bought by a young guy from the city. I wandered over to see how he was doing and offer him a beer, I had heard he was trying to raise chickens. Found him on his back quarter shaking his head. "What's the matter" I said? "Chicks keep dying on me" he replied "not sure if I'm planting them too deep or too far apart. .

[jpinkster]

This is timely:

 

 

 

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today you voted.

[Weedy1]

[dryfly]

George Carlin on saving the planet.

Language warning. Oh well.

[Nachako]

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

 

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

 

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

 

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

 

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

 

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

[lad]

How did the Hutterite find the sheep that was tangled up in the barbed wire fence ?

 

 

Very satisfying.

[DonAndersen]

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

 

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

 

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

[dryfly]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Lethbridge Social Service office to pick up his welfare cheque.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're b_ulls_hitting me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well yes, but you started it."

[dryfly]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprising them wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compare notes...

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[lad]

A refugee arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, income support, free medical care, free housing and a free education!”

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am also a new immigrant.”

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada.”

The person says, "I not Canadian, I am a new immigrant.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Canada.”

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from the middle east. I am not Canadian.”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a Canadian woman?”

She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all
the Canadians?”

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.”

[cgyguy]

A Newfy was paying for his admission to the movies when he advised the teller he had 18 of his friends to pay for also. The teller asked him what the occasion was and he said "no occasion by, just the sign says 18 or over!"

[pokerfish]

[lad]

NDP Alberta Premier Rachel Notley and her driver were cruising home along a country road, in Southern Alberta one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Premier Notley told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick."What happened to you?," asked Rachel."Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.""What did you tell them?" asked Premier Notley.The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Alberta Premier Rachel Notley’s driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."