Great Jokes To Share!

[cgyguy]

A good time to kill the winter blues I think is to share a few funnies, and have a chuckle. So with this in mind, I will share one:

 

Three older married men all die and are awaiting to be brought into Heaven via the Pearly gates.,

St Peter comes out and says " The good news is everyone will get a vehicle to drive around in heaven, however, the size and type of transportation will be based on your married relationship, and if you ever "fooled around" on your wife".

 

The first guy is asked, " sir how many times did you fool around on your wife?' the man says" I NEVER fooled around on my wife EVER!!! We had a fantastic marriage of 40 years!" We were loving and truly a perfect couple!"

 

St Peter says, "that is fantastic, here are the keys to a brand new Cadillac!" The man graciously accepts the keys and drives away in his caddy.....

 

The second guy is asked the same question, "sir how many times did you fool around on your wife?" The man looks down and sheepishly says " We were married 35 years but I did have an affair in my fifth year of marriage, but my wife and I both went for counseling and church and have never looked back!"

 

St Peter says "well I guess you made it right, and you having been loving ever since, so here a the keys to a Chevrolet!" The man accepts the keys and jumps in his Chev and drives off into heaven.

 

The 3rd and final guy is up and is asked how many times he fooled around on his wife and he comes clean. "Well....I have to say I was married for 20 years and I don't believe that there wasn't a year go by that I didn't have a girlfriend on the side, throughout those times!' " I do feel bad, he goes on to say...........

 

St peter says, " this is terrible!, here are the keys to a Volkswagen!" The man accepts and begins driving through Heaven when he comes across the first fellow (who had never fooled around on his wife). The Cadillac is parked on the side of the street and the man is crying uncontrollably. " Volkswagen guys says" hey, why you crying, you never fooled around on your wife, you have a beautiful Cadillac as a result, what's the matter?"

 

Cadillac guy says" I just seen my wife and she is riding around on a SKATEBOARD!"

 

Hope this gave you a chuckle! Looking for more! C'mon folks!

 

Cheers
Cgyguy

 

[fishinglibin]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says hey buddy why the long face.

[beedhead]

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today

The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."

"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.

"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead...

[troutlover]

There was a big announcement in the business world today

There is going to be a merger of Facebook, Twitter and Youtube

The new company name is going to be......Youtwitface

[BigFoamy]

What did one fly say to the other fly?

 

"your mans down"

[beedhead]

Q: What did one hillbilly say to another?

 

A: I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife......best trade I ever made.

[beedhead]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[cgyguy]

A guy is standing beside a river that is catch and release only. He has his fishing rod in one hand and a bucket filled with three nice sized trout, in the other hand. A Game Warden comes along and says "Hey! You can't fish here and keep fish, it's against the law and a huge fine!" The guy looks at the Warden and says" Oh no, I am not fishing, just practicing my casting!" Warden walks over and looks into his bucketful of fish and says" Yeah, well then where did these fish come from?" Guy doesn't bat an eye and says Oh these are my pet fish! I just brought them down for a swim while I practice casting." So the Warden says" oh is that right!? Well prove it!" Buddy says to the fish "Go Swim Guys!" All the fish swim away as he dumps out his bucket. Game Warden says "Ha! Told you their not pet fish!" Buddy looks at the Warden and says " What fish?"

[beedhead]

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."

The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"

The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."

"Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?

[Admin2]

Why do Administrators laugh three times when they hear a joke?

Once when it is told, once when it is explained to them, and once when they understand it.

[cgyguy]

It is better to have dated a short man than

not having dated a tall

[beedhead]

A taxidermist was driving through Arkansas when he thought he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."

The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".

[FraserN]

Two Edmonton City workers are contracted to work on a city recreation park. They need to find out the height of a flag pole to know the size of flag to put on it. They are stumped. One asks the other," what will we do? This has to be done by the end of the shift, or we are in trouble."

Just as they are scratching their heads, along comes a gorgeous blonde with an oversized hand bag. She stops to chat, and says" Hows it going guys? Not so good, they reply, explaining the dilemna they are facing to her". She replies:" You guys are in luck today, because I have a solution to your problem". Then she unzips her handbag and pulls out a large wrench. She loosens the bolts on the base of the flag pole, and gets the guys to help her lay down the pole on the grass.

Great! One of the workers says, now what do we do? She says, no problem. She pulls out a tape measure from her handbag and asks one of the workers to hold one end on the tip of the pole and another reads the number at the base. They do this and it reads 35 1/2 feet long. She writes the number down on some scrap paper and gives it to them. Then they push the flag pole back up, and she tightens the bolts at the base again. They thank her for her help, and she walks away.

Both men turn to each other and start laughing, when she is gone. They nod their heads and one says to the other, " Isn't that just like a typical dumb blonde. We ask for the height of the pole, and she gives us the length!"

[beedhead]

What’s the best way to catch a fish? ... Have someone throw it at you.

[Nachako]

Four buddies go salmon fishing. One of them was a Newfie. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the Newfie has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

Newfie: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the missus a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[troutlover]

An "Artist" takes some steel tubing makes a circle paints it blue puts a light on top and sells it for hundred thousands of dollars.

[BigFoamy]

An "Artist" takes some steel tubing makes a circle paints it blue puts a light on top and sells it for hundred thousands of dollars.

LMAO!!! Blew snot out of my nose when I read this one, good stuff!

[BigFoamy]

Man I love winter…

 

not funny!

[darrinhurst]

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

 

The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the

years they had been married.

 

On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had

endured.

 

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the

wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

 

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

 

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday I fish!

[murray]

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife

 

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

 

but knew very little about ranching,

 

so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,

 

figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You

have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

 

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

 

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

 

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room,

 

he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her..

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

 

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands,

 

he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said,

 

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again,

you're fired

[murray]

Drafting Guys Over 50. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

 

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 50!

 

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only

think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

 

'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee,

so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

 

 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

 

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

[cgyguy]

A couple of Iraqi women who haven't seen each other in a very long time, run into each other at the local grocery store. When they meet, they are so happy to see each as it had been years since they were united. One of the woman says to the other "Oh my, it has been so long, how is your first born son Abdul doing? I remember him with his beautiful eyes! He would be 18 now? How is HE doing?" The other looks at her and says "Oh Abdul is no longer here, he is a Martyr". The other then looks and says "But what about YOUR son Hussein, how is he? I remember him with his cute little toes, how old who he be now 17? How is HE doing?". the lady looks at her and says Oh Hussein is no longer here, he is also a Martyr." They both look on....then the one Iraqi woman says " what about Amrik? He must be 16 now? I remember him with his beautiful hair! How is HE doing?" The lady looks on and says " Oh Amrik is also a Martyr, and no longer here. Then they both fall quiet, and they look at each other and say "Oh They BLOW up so fast these days..."

[Guest bigdirty]

Derp

[FlyingDutchman68]

Q: Why does ISIS bury their dead 20' under?

A: Because deep down they're good people.

[murray]

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover,while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

 

Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people fromall over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour

for his paintings.

 

One day, a very attractive young woman pulled up to his housein a stretch limo and askedSkipper if he would paint her in the nude.

 

This was the first time anyone had made this request and it hadSkipper a bit perturbed.

 

The beautiful lady told him that money was no object. In fact,

 

she was willing to pay him up to $5,000 cash.

 

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife,

 

Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house andconferred with Rose, his missus.

 

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,

 

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus.

 

The wife says it's okay.

 

I'll paint ya in da nude, but I have ta leave me socks on so I have someplace to wipe me brushes.