Great Jokes To Share!

[golden]

What is falling faster then the price of gas?

 

 

Calgary Flames

[darrinhurst]

After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.

 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:

 

Q. What is a tax refund payment?

 

A. It's money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

Q. Where will the government get this money?

 

A. From taxpayers.

 

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

 

A. Only a smidgen of it.

 

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

 

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

 

A. Shut up.

 

Below are some helpful tips on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

 

▪ If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

▪ If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

▪ If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

▪ If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

▪ If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

▪ If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

▪ If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

 

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

 

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

 

2) Going to hockey games, or

 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

 

4) Beer or

 

5) Tattoos.

 

(These are the only "truly" Canadian businesses still operating)

 

Conclusion:

 

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

 

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.

[murray]

 

 

 

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The

 

Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey

comfortable.

 

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a

bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous

Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm

milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The

frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it,

she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity

to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

 

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom

 

before you leave us"

 

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "

 

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

[Taco]

If Hooters delivered would they change their name to Knockers?

[Taco]

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and
the negative effects it has on one's health and the many problems it causes for one's family".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this
time of night?"

The man replies... "My wife."

[Taco]

Old Guys...

I was in Canadian Tire the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


Us old guys are helpful like that.

[DonAndersen]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the flask wouldn't rupture and spill, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[murray]

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One PPCLI private is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

 

The voice once again calls out: "One PPCLI private is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

 

The voice calls out again: "One PPCLI private is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.

 

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

 

"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards."

[pokerfish]

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

 

"Aww, *hit," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

 

[billie]

^{Paddy O'Shea always went to the pub on Thursdays and ordered 3 pints.at a time. The bartender asked one night, "Paddy, why 3, if you order one at a time the beer will stay colder". Paddy replied (inert accent here) "Well, me brudders 'n me always had a pint togedder on tursdays, but they're away and this makes me miss them a bit less".}

^{Paddy comes in this Thursday and orders only 2 pints. The bartender solemnly delivers the beers fearing the worst. "I hope everything is OK Paddy, has something happened to one of your brothers? "Hell no!" replies Paddy, I just quit drinkin'".}

[skearns]

The Lottery

At the breakfast table a man says to his wife,
What would you do if I won the lottery?
She says "I would take my half and leave you".
He says, "I won 12 dollars yesterday, here's $6.00,
keep in touch."

[pokerfish]

50 shades of grey

 

 

 

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted:






"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[murray]

 

 

 

One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The Susan was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 

So firefighter Rick walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration to Susan.

 

Thanks, the little Susan replied.

 

Then firefighter Rick looked a little closer, The girl had tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

 

Little partner, firefighter Rick said, I dont want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go a lot faster.

 

The little Susan replied thoughtfully, Youre probably right, but then I wouldnt have a siren.

[Taco]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his butt, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his butt then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size first"

[Taco]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

[Taco]

[Taco]

Canadian---U.S. temperature conversion chart:


50 Fahrenheit (10 C)

• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

• Italian Cars won’t start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)

• American water freezes
• Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)

• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)

• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)

• Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
• Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)

• Ethyl alcohol freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)

• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)

• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

[billie]

^^^

I don't remember it being THAT COLD in '67. Probably just the Americans complaining. Granted, we did have a fire and roast some hot dogs.

[murray]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *

*She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *

*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *

*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *

*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *

*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

[darrinhurst]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

 

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

 

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

 

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[cgyguy]

Here's an old one!

I was out fishing the other day and caught a huge trout, I took a picture of it, and even the photo weighed 5 pounds!

[murray]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[murray]

Marijuana and Marriage:

 

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and Legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

 

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned" Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

 

[murray]

 

 

 

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

 

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful

woman in the world."

 

"I am entering," said Snow White.

 

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,

"Well, how did you do?"

 

" First Place ," said Snow White.

 

They continue walking and they see a sign:

 

 

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

 

 

"I'm entering," says Superman.

 

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?"

 

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

 

They continue walking when they see a sign:

 

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

 

 

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

 

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

 

"What happened?" they asked.

 

"Who the hell is Mike Duffy?" asked Pinocchio.

[murray]

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

 

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

 

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

 

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

 

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

 

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

 

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and,

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

;-)