The 'who Cares What The Thread Title Is, Everybody Post A Joke Anyways' Thread..

[duanec]

at a senior's luncheon, an elderly gent and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. since both of them were single, they decided to go fishing together the next day. the gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his drift boat and started out on their adventure.

 

they were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gent asked the lady,

'do you want to go up or down?'

all of a sudden the lady stripped off her waders and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

 

when they finished, the man was speechless, couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. hey fished for a while and continued on downstream, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

he again asked the lady, 'up or down ?'

there she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

 

this really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

 

she said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the first fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,

'up or down ?'

the woman replied, 'down.'

a little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon the next fork in the river and he asked the lady,

'up or down ?'

she replied, 'up.'

 

this really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'what's the deal? yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. now today, nothing!'

 

 

she replied, 'well, yesterday i wasn't wearing my hearing aid and i thought the choices were f*#k or drown'

[birchy]

Many dyslexics how light to bulb a change take does it?

ahahahahah

[ladystrange]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

 

 

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan, either."

[birchy]

http://www.dilbert.com/2010-05-24/

[duanec]

on his deathbed, earl woods had one final bit of advice for his son...

 

"focus on golf, f*#$ everything else"

[duanec]

my mom was driving along a few weeks back when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.

 

she figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

 

now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she doubled back and drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

 

she tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

 

two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 

 

[birchy]

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

 

 

 

" I want to live forever", I said.

 

 

 

"Sorry", said the fairy, "I can't grant wishes like that."

 

 

 

I said, "Okay I want to die when the Calgary Flames win the Stanley cup.

 

 

 

"Crafty bastard aren't you ?," she replied

[Taco]

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[cgyguy]

Why do Pirates always say "RRRRRRRRRR""""?

 

Because it wouldn't sound the same if they said "ffffffffffffffffffff"......

[darrinhurst]

Dr. Marvin Seizemore, a professor at Texas A&M, recently invented a bra that prevented women's breasts from giggling while walking, bouncing around while jogging and even prevented their nipples from poking through the fabric on cold days.

 

During the news conference to announce his new invention, a large group of men dragged Dr. Seizemore outside and beat the :$*%&: out of him.

[firefrog]

New Movie:

Kim-Jong-Il and Bugs Bunny star in

'Waiter! There's a Hare in my Coup!'

 

[hydropsyche]

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Do you get it? Two women. Minding their own business. Ya. Like that would ever happen.)

[Taco]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with a shallot??

 

An ass that will bring you to tears

[Taco]

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

Called iTit, the chip will cost between $499 and $699 depending on the speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

2. "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!", the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sigh of resignation as she was heard to mutter, "Well **** ... I guess that's why no one was at church today."

 

3. A study recently conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is mentruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

[hydropsyche]

This is making its way around the inter-mail. I wonder if its true. I also heard the other word came from "Fornication Upon Consent of the King".

 

Manure... An interesting fact

 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

 

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

 

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

 

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

 

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

 

Neither did I.

 

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[Taco]

Or Rickr's fishin' dries....................................

[Taco]

No wait... he uses a different word, sorry about that

[alan2]

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

 

 

 

The location of the dirtbag.

[Gaffer]

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

 

 

 

The location of the dirtbag.

 

 

The dirt bag is on the inside of a hoover.

 

Andrew

[birchy]

The Roughriders.

[brownonbow]

An old, “blind” cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

 

 

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[murray]

 

THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR

 

 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

 

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start"

________________________________________

 

[murray]

Here's another one

 

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

 

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Mick looked around him : "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

 

Murray

[Guest 420FLYFISHIN]

since the snow is blowing

 

How do you make your dish washer into a snow blower?

 

give the b***h a shovel!

[Teck71]

A man is cupping his hands to scoop water to drink from a Scottish Highland lake when a gamekeeper spots him and shouts: “Dinnae drink the waater! Et’s full of coo’s shite and piss!”

The man replies: “Sorry, I’m from England. Could you repeat that in English, please?”

The keeper says: “I’m sorry, I said use two hands – you’ll spill less that way.”

 

One day God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day, God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.

Adam said: "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said: "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied: "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," God replied: "I’ll never get that smell out of the fish."

 

A mother cleaning her son’s room finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows her husband.“What do you think we should do?” she asks.

“I’m not sure," the father replies: “But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”