The 'who Cares What The Thread Title Is, Everybody Post A Joke Anyways' Thread..

[SteveM]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their

parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next

day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies

saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only

little Taco was left. Little Taco was big trouble.

 

"Taco, do you have a story to share?",she asked with great trepidation.

 

''Yes ma'am. My Mom told me a story about my Daddy.He was a

pilot in WW2, and his plane got hit. He had to bail

out over enemy territory, and all he had was a flask of whiskey, a

pistol, and a survival knife.

 

He drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,

and then his parachute landed him right in the middle of 20 Nazi

troops. He shot 15 of them with the pistol, until he ran out of

bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and

then he killed the last Kraut with his bare hands.

 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Mommy

tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

 

"Stay the hell away from Daddy when he's been drinking!!!"

 

 

[birchy]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cause she was a woman...

[darrinhurst]

As long as we're on that track.........

 

Why are there Snowmen and not Snowomen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too hard to hallow out the head of the snowomen.

[skearns]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

 

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

 

 

[Taco]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their

parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next

day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies

saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only

little Taco was left. Little Taco was big trouble.

 

"Taco, do you have a story to share?",she asked with great trepidation.

 

''Yes ma'am. My Mom told me a story about my Daddy.He was a

pilot in WW2, and his plane got hit. He had to bail

out over enemy territory, and all he had was a flask of whiskey, a

pistol, and a survival knife.

 

He drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,

and then his parachute landed him right in the middle of 20 Nazi

troops. He shot 15 of them with the pistol, until he ran out of

bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and

then he killed the last Kraut with his bare hands.

 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Mommy

tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

 

"Stay the hell away from Daddy when he's been drinking!!!"

 

Keep it Reverend and the flytyin' moderator will shut this one down as well.............smartass

[murray]

Have you heard about the Saskatchewan Roughriders Bra?

 

Lots of support but no cups.

 

 

Murray

[darrinhurst]

What's the difference between the Calgary Flames and a bra?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bra has two cups.

 

[Bigtoad]

In a small town up in Northern Alberta there was an old Indian man that was an absolute master fishermen. Every time he would go out fishing, he would come back to town with his limit of fish. Some people thought he was amazing while others thought he must be fishing illegally to catch so many fish all of the time. There just happened to be a new, young Fish and wildlife officer in town that really wanted to prove himself. He had heard the rumors of the old Indian man and had seen him come into town several times with his limit while others got skunked.

 

Bound and determined to get to the bottom of this he approached the old Indian man and asked if he could accompany him on his next fishing trip.

 

The old Indian man said, "Sure, I'm going out tomorrow really early. Meet me at the lake at 4am."

 

So the next day, the young officer meets the old Indian man at the shore of the lake at 4am and they jump in the old man's boat.

 

The old man rows to the center of the pond, drops anchor, reaches under his seat and pulls out a stick of dynamite. He lights it and throws it into the lake. BOOM! The water explodes and there are fish floating everywhere. The old Indian man grabs a net and begins scooping up the fish and putting them in the boat.

 

The young officer is shocked and yells at the old Indian man, "You can't do that! That's illegal! I'll have you arrested!!!"

 

The old Indian man calmly reaches under his seat, pulls out another stick of dynamite and lights it. He then hands the burning stick to the young officer and says, "Now, are we going to sit here and talk, or are we going to fish?"

[Taco]

 

 

[Taco]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.

The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.

[pokerfish]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they Understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and Gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

 

'NO!' the children answered.

 

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

 

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

 

I was just bursting with pride for them.

 

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

 

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN'DEAD..........'

 

[pokerfish]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs . Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him'.

 

[flyfishy]

lunch break...were's the rod.

say hello to a free draw 2010 fly .

thanks

[birchy]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head!

 

 

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

[birchy]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to bust. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

 

 

There are a few lessons for us all here:

 

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[rollyy]

Talked to my friend in Edmonton today, he said it was minus 37 with the wind chill.

 

He says his wife just looks at the kitchen window and stares.

 

He figures that if it gets any colder out, he will have to let her in.

[Taco]

Ever Wonder ...

 

1. Why the Sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

3. Why don't we ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

4. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the

counters?

5. Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the

store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes

at the front?

6. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

7. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

10. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

11. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

[reevesr1]

Sounded like Steven Wright.

[birchy]

I'm currently reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

[birchy]

[duanec]

at a bar last night i met this really attractive woman wearing a maple leafs jersey

i walked up to her and said 'hi, my name is three goal lead'.

she told me to get lost.

weird.

i was thinking an attractive woman wearing a leafs jersey would for sure blow a three goal lead.

[Weedy1]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man

walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.

Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him

and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help

but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[duanec]

oops forgot happy v-day everyone

[SteveM]

One day, in line at the

company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess

I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike

replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about

it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a

doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a

sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard.

Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle

7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better.

 

Thank you for shopping at

Costco!

 

[murray]

I finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while

I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his

mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in

my bait bucket.

 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in

its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into

the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog.

 

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

 

Murray