Teck71 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 How does a Scot practice safe sex? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He marks the sheep that kick with an X Quote
birchy Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains. She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen. The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains." The blonde said, "Hellooo. I have windows!" Quote
birchy Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 One saggy boob says to the other saggy boob... "if we don't get some support soon people are going to think we're nuts!" Quote
Taco Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replid, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." Quote
Pipestoneflyguy Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Two Blonds are fishing on opposite sides of the Bow river, One yells across the river, "How do you get to the other side" The other yells back, "Who cares, your already there" Quote
Pipestoneflyguy Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I guy is walking along the highway hitch-hiking. As he walks along he finds a ball cap with a "Masterblaster jet boats" logo on the front, he thinks "cool, free hat". He puts it on, and continues hitch-hiking. A few minutes later a car stops and a guy offers him a ride, which the hitch-hiker accepts. As they are travelling the driver says "hey I was gonna stop for lunch up here, do mind if we stop for a bit, I'll buy your lunch". The hitch-hiker says, "That's great, thank you very much". After another couple hours of driving, they pull into a rest stop, and again the generous driver buys the hitchhiker a coffee, some snacks, and a couple magazines for the next leg of the trip. About a hour later, nightfall has set in and the driver pulls over at a rest stop, he stops the car and looks over at the hitch-hiker and says " Listen, I have given you a long ride and not asked for gas money, I bought you lunch, magazines, snacks and coffee, what do you say you show your gratitude by sliding over here and giving me a BJ............................................................... The hitch-hiker immediately pulls off the hat and says "Oh, I'm not really a jet-boater, I just found this hat" !!!!! Quote
daxlarsen Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I guy is walking along the highway hitch-hiking. As he walks along he finds a ball cap with a "Masterblaster jet boats" logo on the front, he thinks "cool, free hat". He puts it on, and continues hitch-hiking. A few minutes later a car stops and a guy offers him a ride, which the hitch-hiker accepts. As they are travelling the driver says "hey I was gonna stop for lunch up here, do mind if we stop for a bit, I'll buy your lunch". The hitch-hiker says, "That's great, thank you very much". After another couple hours of driving, they pull into a rest stop, and again the generous driver buys the hitchhiker a coffee, some snacks, and a couple magazines for the next leg of the trip. About a hour later, nightfall has set in and the driver pulls over at a rest stop, he stops the car and looks over at the hitch-hiker and says " Listen, I have given you a long ride and not asked for gas money, I bought you lunch, magazines, snacks and coffee, what do you say you show your gratitude by sliding over here and giving me a BJ............................................................... The hitch-hiker immediately pulls off the hat and says "Oh, I'm not really a jet-boater, I just found this hat" !!!!! hahahah that's good, could also substitude for nascar hat Quote
brownonbow Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey!; Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya... It really works.' 'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?', says the redneck. The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?' 'Call who back?' 'The FISH', replied the warden! 'What fish?', replied the redneck. Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. Quote
Pythagoras Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent. Quote
birchy Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 If the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it... you might be a redneck.. Quote
skearns Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 A man and his wife were woken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. Quote
Taco Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Two men had been out fishing and were quietly drinking beer. Almost silently, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' Quote
birchy Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. "I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. "Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!" "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" Quote
cdock Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Two men were driving through Saskatchewan when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his night-stick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his night-stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Saskatchewan son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Saskatchewan , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the night-stick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the cop. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the cop says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that ***hole would've tried that crap with me!'" Quote
bigbowtrout Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who > purchased > his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that > sparked > my interest... > The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little > something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. > > The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time > to retreat to safety....?? > > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it > home. > > > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the > button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd > get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the > prongs. > > AWESOME!!! > > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is > on the face of her microwave. > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that > it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently > (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving > target. > > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a > second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as > advertised. Am I wrong? > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one > hand, > and tazer in another. > > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms > and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the > batteries. > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy > AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no > possible way!' > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my > best ... > > > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one > side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second > burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... > > HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!! > > I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up > in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! > > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging > to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the > living room. > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one > note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you > zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three > second burst would be considered conservative! > > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and > surveyed the landscape. > > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it > originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. > > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for > sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above > my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my > testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! > > P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift > and now regularly threatens me with it! > > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Quote
bhurt Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Was flippin through the channels last night and stopped on Little Mosique on the parire and heard this line which I found amusing. "Oh my God the lights work and here I thought they would catch bin laden before the lights would be fixed." Quote
Din Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Weenie Test Three third graders from Tennessee: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true? "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!" Quote
brownonbow Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' Quote
Tungsten Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 The other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a *hit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Quebec sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Quote
firefrog Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Many dyslexics how light to bulb a change take does it? Quote
ladystrange Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 SON OF A BITCH FISH! The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish." "Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You ****ers are my kind of people!" Quote
SteveM Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Okay, that actually made me laugh out loud! Good one, strangelady! Quote
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