The 'who Cares What The Thread Title Is, Everybody Post A Joke Anyways' Thread..

[darrinhurst]

[rehsifylf]

Golfing Hit Man

 

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their

local

golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you

mind

if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

 

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

 

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the

newcomer.

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What

do

you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

 

"You're joking!" was the response.

 

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a

beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

 

"Here are my tools."

 

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take

a

look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

 

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of

his house.

 

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see

right in the window."

 

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.... He's naked,

too!!!"

 

 

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

 

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the

trigger."

 

"Can you do two for me now?"

 

"Sure, what do you want?"

 

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the

mouth."

 

 

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to

teach him a lesson."

 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a

few

minutes.

 

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

 

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a

grand

here..."

 

Ding Ding Ding...Winner

[darrinhurst]

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

 

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

[birchy]

Me: Knock, Knock

 

You: Who's there?

 

Me:The Interrupting Cow..

 

You: The Interr.. Me: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[reevesr1]

Booo.

Welcome back Ryan.

 

 

 

[dryfly]

Old ..always good for a laff.

 

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their

best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone

who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable...

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to

Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who

responded:

 

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..

You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're

always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River

called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going

be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people

trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

--------------------- // -----------------

 

One month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser

asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in

one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they

bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I

had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling

job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,

were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at

no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know

you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Well actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a

Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope

likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step

into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and

shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

 

He said: "Who f**ked up your hair ?"

 

[dryfly]

Also an oldie...

 

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

 

 

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The kid says , 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan .'

 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.

 

I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

 

"How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.

 

How much was the sale for?'

 

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

 

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook.

Then I sold him a medium fishhook.

Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat

department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

 

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,

 

So I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

 

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook

and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

 

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons

for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot ... you should go fishing!'

[Tungsten]

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

 

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ottawa Senator jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Leaf fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

 

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Sens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

 

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know much about shark fishing." "How's the bait holding up?"

 

[darrinhurst]

LOL

 

Nice one.

 

Mike, I am surprized you didn't edit it with some Alberta flavour!

[birchy]

Man to his friend: "Being married to a deaf woman was tough. After a number of years, she decided to leave me for another deaf man. To be perfectly honest, I should have seen the signs."

[Tungsten]

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

 

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100.." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

 

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great

martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

 

The robot leans in real close and says,

 

"So... you gonna cheer for the Oiler's again this year?"

 

 

[Weedy1]

Can you name this animal?....

 

[Tungsten]

I was gonna say dill-doe but i see the horns so I'm stumped.

[Weedy1]

I was gonna say dill-doe but i see the horns so I'm stumped.

It's a Hermaphrodite dill-doe.

[Weedy1]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

 

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

 

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

 

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

 

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

 

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

 

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

 

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

 

"You better believe it!"

 

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"

 

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

 

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

 

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

 

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

 

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

 

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

 

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

 

The demon said, "You gay?"

 

 

[reevesr1]

The man says "no"

To which the demon replies "well, you're probably not going to like Fridays!"

[Tungsten]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding

fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

 

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

 

 

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

 

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. We all have

magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the

bottom of the river."

 

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there

were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

 

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes

started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

 

 

[Tungsten]

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger?

 

 

Santa stops after 3 ho's

[theboy]

 

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

[Taco]

Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Word

 

There are only ten times in history when the F-word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

 

1. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are Sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the f*ck was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where the f*ck did all those Indians come from?"

-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.

4. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so f*cking look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the f*ck am I?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. "F*ck, I didn't think they'd get this mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.

[agbff]

What the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts.......

 

One's a buck and the other's under a buck.

[rehsifylf]

A couple of Lethbridge hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[skearns]

Rick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Rick... 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

 

[flyfishfairwx]

A couple of Big City Calgary, O&G scientists hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

 

Fixed that for you....

 

[brownonbow]

 

 

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet...'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again..

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'