The 'who Cares What The Thread Title Is, Everybody Post A Joke Anyways' Thread..

[Weedy1]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[fishinglibin]

A Horse walks in to a bar, the bartender says, Hey Buddy Why The Long Face !!

 

I thought the caps makes it funnier

[fishinglibin]

Two guys are walking their dogs on a hot day, one says lets hit this pub for a beer. Buddy says what about the dogs. Pal say put on your sunglasses and follow my lead. They walk in the bar, and the bartender saysto the first guy we don't allow dogs in here. He says I am blind and he is my seeing eye dog. Bartender says Bull Dogs are not seeing eye dogs, and he says, any dog can be trained for service. Buddy #2 walks in and bartender says, no dogs. Buddy says he is a seeeing eye dog. Beartender says, there is no way a chihaua is a seeing eye dog. Buddy says WHAT THEY GAVE ME A CHIHAUA !!

[Taco]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservations who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than yo have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, too a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition

[birchy]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservations who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than yo have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, too a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition

 

[Taco]

a 2fer;

 

A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.

"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"

 

=============================================

 

A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blonde, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again, doctor?", she asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman.

"What's the matter, doctor?" she asked. "I will be alright?"

 

"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

[flyfishfairwx]

Long winter ehh TACO?

 

a 2fer;

 

A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.

"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"

 

=============================================

 

A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blonde, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again, doctor?", she asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman.

"What's the matter, doctor?" she asked. "I will be alright?"

 

"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[trailhead]

A guy has a stroke and goes into a coma. He's in the coma for months. So his wife consults with the doctor, who tells her that after this long the patient will probably die, and that she should prepare for that by doing something to commerate him. So the wife remembers that her husband used to love chocolate chip cookies. With that in mind she decides to bake up a batch of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Well when the smell of the baking cookies hits the husbands nose he comes out of the coma. He staggers to his feet, stumbles down the hall and reaches the kitchen. There on a plate are a pile of warm chocolate chip cookies, so he reaches out to take one and his wife hits him on the hand and says, "Those are for the funeral"

[Taco]

Long winter ehh TACO?

 

Na Ray I'm just practisin' my mad c&p skillz

[Taco]

When the wife leaned over to pull weeds from their garden, the husband said, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."

While she complained, he grabbed a tape measure from the garage, measured the grill, then measured his wife.

"Yep! Two inches wider than the grill!"

She said nothing. (Do you believe that? No, I didn't either.)

But that night, in bed, when he felt frisky, she brushed him off.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener!?"

[pokerfish]

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche And returned to the dealer yesterday

Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

 

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

 

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

 

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' Came from the speakers.

 

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

 

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light And nearly creamed my new truck, But I swerved in time to avoid him.

 

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

 

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ignatieff Leader of the Federal Liberal Party"

 

Damn, I love this truck...

 

[birchy]

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts??

 

Beer Nuts are $3.29....Deer Nuts are under a buck!!

[dryfly]

Bette Midler sez

 

'I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis.

 

Election, erection, election, erection!

 

Either way we're screwed!'

[dryfly]

Since this is a Timmies crowd ...

 

[ggp]

This will cheer you all up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FlyFishingEMT]

Q: What is the difference between a cow tail and a cowboy hat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: Cow tail covers the ***hole!

[petti]

Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

 

 

 

 

A)Still no eye deer

 

 

 

Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no nuts?

 

 

 

A) Still no f@#king eye deer

[birchy]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

[dube]

So...3 four year old boys are re-enacting the nativity scene of the 3 kings with little tea towels on their heads...

they put these boxes down on the floor and the first boy said "I bring you gold", and the second boy said "I bring you Myrrh",

and the 3rd boy said "Frank sent this".

 

Merry Christmas all!

Royce.

[Saltamontes]

Janice, the office secretary goes in the lunchroom to get herself a cup of coffee. As she is pouring it, Joe a co-worker says: "Janice, your hair smells wonderful", fuming, Janice marches into the Boss's office to report what just occurred, insisting she feels she has been sexually harrased. The boss listens to her story and calmly explains he is very familiar with the company's sexual harrassment policy and he feels Joe the co-worker, was simply paying her a compliment adding that she is overreacting and overly sensitive. Janice replies: "I am not being overly sensitive and I am certainly not overreacting, I fully understand when someone is paying me a compliment, but this is a completely different case as Joe is a midget"

[billie]

Shamus had to leave town for work. He pops into the local pub on Thursday and orders 3 beer, and takes turns having a drink from each one until they are gone and orders 3 more. Repeating the process, he orders 3 more.

 

When the bartender brings the third round, he asks him "It's none of my business pal, but why wouldn't you order one at a time so they don't get warm?"

Shamus replies "I 'ad to leave 'ome and every Tursday me brudders and I would git togetter fer a beer. This makes me miss 'im less".

This goes on every Thursday.

 

One Thursday, Shamus comes in and orders 2 beer. He drinks from each as usual and orders 2 more.

The bartender delivers the second round "I don't mean to pry, but I hope everything is OK with your family?"

"Ahh" Shamus replies "ther foine, I just quit drinkin!".

 

 

And as a side note, 5/4 of people don't understand fractions:).

 

I enjoyed the posts so thought I'd drop one back

Cheers

[Taco]

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him whispers, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair .... given that you are blind.... that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman who doesn't need a baseball bat..

3. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to you on the other side also is blonde and she's a professional weight lifter.

5. And the woman standing right behind you is a blonde -- and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[pokerfish]

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

 

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

 

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

 

"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

 

[pokerfish]

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

 

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

 

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

 

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

 

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

[pokerfish]

Pete Doherty has just done 6 months in rehab & is due to leave but before he can go, he needs to have a chat with the councillor about his time there.

So he walks in and says

"I still think I'm addicted".

 

The councillor replies "Yep most people think that & my name is not Ted".