Is It Bad Joke Tuesday?

[Taco]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

"She tried a rubber device she ordered from some internet web site but it broke.

 

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open!"

[polegrl]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were: Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives a new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[drshoal]

haha. both jokes are actually pretty decent

[Gary]

The Wife Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign

 

reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[ham]

ha the first two are pretty good but the last ones been on this board for a while...sorry gary haha

[bigbowtrout]

It's the year 2350. Humanity has spread to a few star systems, and is dedicatedly colonizing them. However, there is one discovered planet still lacking much human settlement. On this planet resides a single sentient life form. It is several hundred feet tall, and rather humanoid in form. Brain waves indicate great intelligence, and consciousness, but the creature does not move.

 

One day, a college student, investigating this creature for his college thesis, gets frustrated and yells out, "how can something evolve with arms and legs if it doesn't use them?"

 

It turns out this is the first time anyone had asked a question loud enough for the creature to hear. Presently, it stood up, (parting the clouds with its head) pondered a bit, boomed out, "IT CAN'T," and sat back down.

 

The student was dumbstruck. "But of course." he muttered. "It only stands to reason . . ."

 

 

There was this mother and her son, and the mother was having an affair. Her son, unbeknownst to her, would hide in the closet during these 'interludes'. One day, the boy's father came home from work early, and the mother shoved her lover into the closet, not knowing that her son was in that closet.

The boy says to the man, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yep" The boy says, "I have a baseball glove" The man, nervous that the woman's husband will hear, says, "That's great...shh!" The boy says, "Wanna buy it?" Eager to shut the boy up, the man says, "Sure, how much?" "$500" "Fine, just shut up!"

In about a week, the same situation happened. The boy said, "It's dark in here" The man sighs and says, "Yep." The boy says, "Wanna buy a baseball for $500?" "FINE! shut up, okay?"

In another week, the dad asks the boy if he wants to play catch, and the boy says that he sold his glove and ball. The dad asks how much he sold them for, and the son replies "$1000." He exclaims, "How could you take advantage of people like that?? Go to the priest and confess this instant!!"

So the boy goes inside the booth, and says, "It's dark in here!"

The priest says, "Darn it, don't start that again!!"

[Taco]

It's the year 2350. Humanity has spread to a few star systems, and is dedicatedly colonizing them. However, there is one discovered planet still lacking much human settlement. On this planet resides a single sentient life form. It is several hundred feet tall, and rather humanoid in form. Brain waves indicate great intelligence, and consciousness, but the creature does not move.

 

One day, a college student, investigating this creature for his college thesis, gets frustrated and yells out, "how can something evolve with arms and legs if it doesn't use them?"

 

It turns out this is the first time anyone had asked a question loud enough for the creature to hear. Presently, it stood up, (parting the clouds with its head) pondered a bit, boomed out, "IT CAN'T," and sat back down.

 

The student was dumbstruck. "But of course." he muttered. "It only stands to reason . . ."

 

Oh Oh! BBB is masquerading as Birchy again

[ladystrange]

LOL, ok i laughed at all of them, even gary's repeat. i think i'm getting a fever

[reevesr1]

A young cajun man wants to marry young Michele Boudreaux. He informs his father who states:

 

My son, you caint be marryin Michele Boudreaux.

 

Why you say dat father?

 

Don't be askin no questions, you listen to your father.

 

But father, I love Michele Boudreaux. If you say I caint marry her, we'll elope.

 

Ok son, here why. Please don't tell your mother, but you caint marry her cuz she your sister.

 

A couple of weeks later, the mother asks:

My son, why come I aint seen young Michele Boudreaux around here fo' the last awhile?

 

Momma, we broke up.

 

By why sha? You love Michele Boudreaux.

 

Momma, please don't ask me no mo' questions no. I caint say why I aint marryin her.

 

Boy, don' think you too big fo' me to whup yo' ass. You tell me why now ya!

 

Momma, please don't tell daddy, but he say Michele Boudreaux is his daughter. I aint marryin my sister no!

 

Momma laughs and says:

My son, you go right ahead an' marry young Michele Boudreaux. Yo daddy aint yo father.

[Teck71]

all are good Jokes

 

Rick I think Peter Tosh wrote a Regae song about yours "Shame and Scandal in da Family"

 

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A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bar tender says yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate

 

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A Scottish old-timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooooooooo..."

Then the old man gestures toward the bar. "Look there at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooooooooooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooooooooooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya shag one sheep...!"

[Teck71]

One for Rick

 

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he

announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy

weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around,

and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to

sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,

you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds

at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He

already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star,

wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and

proudly says,

 

"Had him circumcised."

[Gary]

guess that is where i got it originally ...copied it from an email I sent my brother.......guess its the mind that is first to go after you hit 50

sorry

[birchy]

heh heh...

 

 

[reevesr1]

One for Rick

 

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he

announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy

weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around,

and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to

sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,

you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds

at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He

already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star,

wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and

proudly says,

 

"Had him circumcised."

 

To true.

[Taco]

Texan and an Albertan were out drinkin' one night havin a high old time just wanderin' from bar to bar drinkin' beer. Well they were crossin' this bridge when it occurred to them that the beer was startin' to backup. They was standin' there at the edge of the bridge goin' for distance when the Texan hollers " DAMN THAT WATER'S COLD" The Albertan agreed with him but found the rocks on the bottom irritated him more.

[Saltamontes]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very

closely......

 

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??"