New Rules For Entering Alberta

[LynnF]

Think this will slow down the population surge? If it wasn't so friggin' true, it'd be funnier,

 

NEW rules for entering Alberta :

 

1. Bring your own house.

 

2. If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.

 

3. If going to Edmonton , wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada .

 

4. If driving to Edmonton , it is also the auto theft centre of Canada .

 

5. If you are bringing drugs, head to Fort McMurray , the drug capital of Canada .

 

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Average wage is $15.60/hour.

 

7. If you work downtown, parking costs $15.00/hour.

 

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton , or Calgary , why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

 

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We have the highest gas prices in Canada . The Alberta Advantage.

 

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

 

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.

 

 

THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN ALBERTA :

 

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: 'CAL-GREE' and 'ED-MIN-TIN'.

 

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

 

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot & Whitemud, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

 

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. We now have our own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the suburbs, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

 

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

 

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

 

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

 

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

 

9. Deerfoot, QEII, Hwy 2, Calgary Trail, and Gateway Blvd are all the same road.

 

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

 

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

 

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw

[Inconnu]

You know it is funny and sad at the same time 'cause the truth can hurt! Why is it that 99% of all accidents I have seen up here are on straight lear roads???

[birchy]

Pretty funny!!

 

 

 

I have to comment on one of them though.. Alberta does not have the highest gas prices in the country!!

 

It irritates me when Albertans complain about gas prices. The maritime provinces on average are 10c/litre higher.

[Nick0Danger]

On number 5, of the driving list. What if the person stops in the middle of the intersection and you hit them? And the light was green?

[birchy]

On number 5, of the driving list. What if the person stops in the middle of the intersection and you hit them? And the light was green?

 

LOL.. reminds me of a Dane Cook skit.. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET ME HIT YOU.. DOING 80!!!"

[Nick0Danger]

To bad its a true story, I just cant belive it, dude behind me stoped with literaly enough room to get a piece of paper though the gap. Oh and i get put at fault.

[fisher26]

Don't forget bring your own trout streams! And camping spots, wow it was crowded this year!

[ladystrange]

LMAO and i moved here from BC. every time i go back i have to remember to stop at the lights because they jump the greens there. but you do get leeway for cutting people off if you look like you dont know where you are going.

[gustuphson]

I was having breakfast (hungover) one morning with this guy who insisted Calgary was nothing but a big, sophisticated social experiment.... they have double the population and the same roads as when I first moved here.

[reevesr1]

Sat down with a buddy today and went over economics of gas wells post royalties. If he is correct, population here will be dropping soon.

[fisher26]

Sat down with a buddy today and went over economics of gas wells post royalties. If he is correct, population here will be dropping soon.

 

 

Right... End of the world.

 

Actually it would be nice to have a little more elbowroom in this city.

[reevesr1]

oops, didn't mean to start anything. Well maybe a little.....

[ladystrange]

ok, the experiment has to stay in place until after i sell the house, and then everyone can go back to where ever they came from and get the hell off my road.

[Teck71]

I don't think I find the roads here that fast, I mean I used to swim through traffic in Toronto at 160km/h knowing that the cops couldn't pull me over (not enough shoulder to do so in the express lanes of the 401) and if it wasn't rush hour I could up that to 180km/h, here at 140km/h I passing every one on hwy 2 like they are standing still. But then again in Ontario now 150km/h could get you a $2000 fine loss of licence for 1 week and car impounded for 1week.

 

even worse I beleive in Quebec Pedestrians don't have the right of way, you Jay walk you takes your chances.

[Castuserraticus]

I don't think I find the roads here that fast, I mean I used to swim through traffic in Toronto at 160km/h knowing that the cops couldn't pull me over (not enough shoulder to do so in the express lanes of the 401) and if it wasn't rush hour I could up that to 180km/h, here at 140km/h I passing every one on hwy 2 like they are standing still. But then again in Ontario now 150km/h could get you a $2000 fine loss of licence for 1 week and car impounded for 1week.

 

even worse I beleive in Quebec Pedestrians don't have the right of way, you Jay walk you takes your chances.

 

It's hard to say if the pedestrians do here. My son and 2 friends where hit by a car last Wed crossing in a marked zone with flashing lights. It was the second car to run the light. On Monday my son saw another person taken away in ambulance from the same x-walk.

[Teck71]

I hope your son is ok

 

On city street I'm ussually around the Limit, cause of pedestians, and cyclist.

Question in Alberta do cyclists, have some completly diferent set of rules than any one else to drive by? and do these rules change daily I mean Calgary has it's own class of Pinhead cyclists.

 

Today there was a guy going from sidewalk to road as other cars would come up to him. cut infront of my van to make a left turn. I mean dang thats how God makes Angels ain't it. at least everday I see some cyclist or other breaking traffic laws, as they suit them.

 

Teck

[snakeman]

Nice one, those driving rules are spot-on. After living in eastern Ontario for 4 months and driving in and around towns like Kingston and Belleville, coming home to Calgary traffic has been an absolute nightmare.

I do think Birchy is right about gas prices, though; in my road travels between Calgary and Kingston over the years I have noticed that gas is always highest between Wawa and Thunder Bay, usually peaking at Thunder Bay. One thing I don't understand though is that in October I was buying gas in Belleville for 92 cents/ltr, while in Calgary it was like $1.03/ltr.

[Parry]

There should be a rule in there about red deer and the fact that you can walk 5min in any direction and run into a liqour store... or 3 for that matter.

[Nick0Danger]

I don't think I find the roads here that fast, I mean I used to swim through traffic in Toronto at 160km/h knowing that the cops couldn't pull me over (not enough shoulder to do so in the express lanes of the 401) and if it wasn't rush hour I could up that to 180km/h, here at 140km/h I passing every one on hwy 2 like they are standing still. But then again in Ontario now 150km/h could get you a $2000 fine loss of licence for 1 week and car impounded for 1week.

 

even worse I beleive in Quebec Pedestrians don't have the right of way, you Jay walk you takes your chances.

 

 

If you are jay walking, in Calgary and you are hit by a car you can be held responsible for damages to a vehicle. I was told that by a police officer that kind of gave us crap for doing it on nose hill drive. Ask a family friend Cop and he said the same thing.

[birchy]

Nice one, those driving rules are spot-on. After living in eastern Ontario for 4 months and driving in and around towns like Kingston and Belleville, coming home to Calgary traffic has been an absolute nightmare.

I do think Birchy is right about gas prices, though; in my road travels between Calgary and Kingston over the years I have noticed that gas is always highest between Wawa and Thunder Bay, usually peaking at Thunder Bay. One thing I don't understand though is that in October I was buying gas in Belleville for 92 cents/ltr, while in Calgary it was like $1.03/ltr.

 

Found this the other day:

 

http://www.calgarygasprices.com/price_by_county.aspx?c=can

[ladystrange]

i knew i should have filled up in claresholm

[Guest bigbadbrent]

hell, even Okotoks it 97.4