The 'who Cares What The Thread Title Is, Everybody Post A Joke Anyways' Thread..

[Taco]

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A. Outlaws are wanted.

 

 

[Taco]

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?

A. Ugly sheep.

 

 

[Taco]

Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?

A. It isn't hard.

[jksnijders]

Then please enlighten me......

 

 

Because I lack comprehension skills, return the favor...

[Jeffro]

Because I lack comprehension skills, return the favor...

 

Been given a quick lesson in spanish and I wasn't too far off the mark, but......Thanks for the clarification JKsniders

 

Gotta love the flavour of foot in mouth

[Guest RedWiggler]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that hangs in a bush?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BERRY!!!!

[Guest 420FLYFISHIN]

you should all listen to "nubs" by NOFX, its great and very relative to most of these jokes.

[Bull]

Chinese Proverbs

 

 

 

Man going thru airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

 

Foolishman give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

 

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

 

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

 

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

 

 

 

 

[Guest RedWiggler]

A kid and his Dad are walking past a bus stop when they happen across 2 dogs F^&*ing on the side of the road. The little boy says "Daddy Daddy look, what are those 2 dogs doing" as the father replies "nothing son, ones sick the other one is pushing to the hospital" lol, that one gets me everytime.

[Taco]

I see I set a trend, they'd be gettin' worse...... ya'd think @ fity8 i'd have better impulse control w/i'm bored

[jksnijders]

 

 

There was a drunk walking down the street, he walks up to a cop and says "Man, somebody stole my car."

Cop asks him "Well, where was it?"

Drunk says, "It was right on the end of this key.."

Cop says, "I don't know, why don't you go down to the precinct house and report it there, they'll fill out all the proper forms."

Drunk says "Ok", and starts to walk off. Cop says to him "Before you head downtown you'd better zip up your fly"

Drunk look down and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too..."

 

 

[Castuserraticus]

What do you call a bullfighter with no arms and legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gord

[Taco]

Then there was a man who got into a car accident. He was rushed to the hospital and they found the left side of his body was completely paralyzed.

 

The doctor said, " Well.... he's gonna be all right."

[jksnijders]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

 

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the *hit house door off a tuna boat!"

[Guest 420FLYFISHIN]

pantie jokes

 

Thongs are great

 

 

 

untill they get stuck in your teeth!

[admin]

From Ranger Bob

 

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's

on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her

credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk

could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please. 'The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50. *

[darrinhurst]

In honor of a new incoming (finally) president.....

 

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

 

"Nothing at all, hoss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

 

"How long did it take you?"

 

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

 

[darrinhurst]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

 

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

 

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[birchy]

Yo mamma's so fat.. people jog around her for exercise!!

 

Yo mamma's so fat.. the last time she wore a Malcolm X jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back!

[Weedy1]

Yo momma's so stupid, she gave me a blowjob 'cause I said it'd help my unemployment.

[dryfly]

[dryfly]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

 

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

[adc]

 

 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing

 

some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

 

"Notice anything different about me?'

 

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked

 

Back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,

 

'Notice anything different NOW?'

 

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?

 

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging

 

down again tomorrow!'

 

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

 

'Nope', she replied.

 

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

 

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

 

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

 

Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

 

[dryfly]

For rickr ..

=================================

NOAH TODAY

 

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah,

who was now living in the United States, and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over

-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

 

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing

along with a few good humans."

 

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will

start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah

weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

 

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

 

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

 

"I needed a building permit."

 

"I've been arguing with the inspector

about the need for a sprinkler system."

 

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the

neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my

yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

 

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a

bond be posted for the future costs of moving power

lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the

passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them

that the sea would be coming to us, but they would

hear nothing of it."

 

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban

on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

 

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

 

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal

rights group sued me. They insisted that I was

confining wild animals against their will. They

argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and

it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in

a confined space."

 

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark

until they'd conducted an environmental impact study

on your proposed flood."

 

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

supposed to hire for my building crew."

 

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the

green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

 

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They

insist I have to hire only Union workers with

Ark-building experience."

 

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

with endangered species."

 

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

years for me to finish this Ark."

 

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

 

"No," said the Lord. "The GOVERNMENT beat me to it."

[birchy]

Golfing Hit Man

 

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their

local

golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you

mind

if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

 

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

 

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the

newcomer.

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What

do

you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

 

"You're joking!" was the response.

 

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a

beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

 

"Here are my tools."

 

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take

a

look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

 

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of

his house.

 

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see

right in the window."

 

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.... He's naked,

too!!!"

 

 

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

 

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the

trigger."

 

"Can you do two for me now?"

 

"Sure, what do you want?"

 

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the

mouth."

 

 

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to

teach him a lesson."

 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a

few

minutes.

 

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

 

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a

grand

here..."