birchy Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 I dunno....mini groan I guess its, neither here nor there...applaud the effort..the old bird probably interfered with the old guys fishin'... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and, while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake," said the man. "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 thats more like it... :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reevesr1 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Birchy, Anybody can tell a funny joke (I liked that one Taco) and get a laugh. It takes true talent to continue to tell unfunny jokes and continue to get laughs. Maybe not a lot of laughs..... Actually, this one was pretty funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulltrout Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 rick i am the king of lameass jokes...i just don't like to tell them cuz then i get the groans...that's why i sit back and watch birchy instead... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sundancefisher Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 A newlywed male coworker was looking down after a hard days work. A season married male coworker walks up and asks "what is the matter". The newlywed guy says "is it true that after you get married the frequency of sex drops off considerably?" The seasoned guy says "for a while and then eventually you start having frequent hallway sex." The newlywed guy looks excited and asks "what exactly do I have to look forward too" with his eyes all a fire with anticipation. The seasoned guy say "well after about 15 years of marriage...everytime you walk past your wife in the hallway she says "F you" and you say "F you" back". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reevesr1 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 rick i am the king of lameass jokes...i just don't like to tell them cuz then i get the groans...that's why i sit back and watch birchy instead... Wait a minute, are we supposed to worry if our stories, comments, observations, or witty little quips get groans? Holy crap. If that were really true, I'd have what, like 6 posts? How many would Bobloblaw have? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulltrout Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Wait a minute, are we supposed to worry if our stories, comments, observations, or witty little quips get groans. Holy crap. If that were really true, I'd have what, like 6 posts? How many would Bobloblaw have? speaking of Bob, that reminds me of a joke... a man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniverasary, and the wife wanted to get him the ultimate present...so she thought and thought, and finally hit upon his lifelong passion, bluesman BB King...her husband loved BB King...he had BB socks, BB suits, BB hats, and even a guitar named "Lucille"...so she decided what to get him - she would get a B tatooed on each buttock...she then went to the tattoo parlor, and told the guy what she wanted, the B on each buttcheek...the tattoo artist thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard of, and he was inspired...he did the best work of his life, never to be equaled again...later that night at dinner, they exchanged gifts...the husband got her a lovely gold ring, and when it was her turn, she said "Well, I was going to show it to you later, but I can't wait."...then she bent over as far as she could and lifted up her skirt...her husband replies, "It's lovely work dear, but who's BOB?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hydropsyche Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 I saw that one coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Ahh Joke session. eh! Thanks for the morning laughs so Ed and Fred are out fish and havin a grand old time. like they do every sunday. when all of a sudden Ed stops his fishing as a funeral procession passes, removes his hat and bows his head as a tear rolls down his cheek. Fred looks at him bewilder and says "I never know you were so senimental" to which Ed replies "well I was married to her for 40 yrs" Teck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darthwader Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 A man and his wife are sittiing on the couch, staring into space. She turns to him and says "Go to Safeway and get some milk, some snails and some mushrooms. I am making escargot." So the man jumps up, glad to be able to leave the house and heads to the store. He picks up a carton of milk, a box of mushrooms and some frozen snails. As he is standing in line, a sexy lady falls into place behind him. She says "Sir, could you please pass me that magazine?" He hands it to her and moves up one position in line. " Sir," she says, " You are a very attractive man... would you like to come to my house for dinner and a drink." In shock, the man turns around and says "Sorry lady... I am married." She replies" That's ok, I won't tell if yo don't." He thinks about how crumby things are at home and says "OK... one drink, but I have to be home by 6." So he bags up his carton of milk, his mushrooms and his frozen snails and follows her home. One drink turns to 2, which then becomes 4 then 6 and finally, at 12:30, he starts heading for home. As he goes to get out of his car, he realizes that the milk is warm, the mushrooms are mushy and the box of snails is now wet and thawed. As he walks up the sidewalk to his house... the bottom of the snail box rips and they all crash to the ground, along with the milk and the mushrooms. The light flicks on, the door swings open and his wife screams at him "It's 12:30 you S.O.B.... where have you been!!!!????? The man looks at his wife, then down to the snails, then back to his wife, then back at the snails. He then opens up his arms wide, looks at the snails and says..." Harrrr.... let's bring it on home boys....we're almost there!!!" *Groan* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbowtrout Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 A man walked into a fortune teller's tent. When the fortune teller saw him, she started laughing, so he hit her. Why? He was striking a happy medium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 I saw that one coming. from a mile away..I like a "W" on each cheek, so when I do cart wheels its say "WOW MOM" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Ahh Joke session. eh! Thanks for the morning laughs so Ed and Fred are out fish and havin a grand old time. like they do every sunday. when all of a sudden Ed stops his fishing removes his hat and bows his head as a tear rolls down his cheek. Fred looks at him bewilder and says "I never know you were so senimental" to which Ed replies "well I was married to her for 40 yrs" Teck I must be missing somthing, you and Birchy should get together for beers... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 There you go Brown stone add the part i omitted. so Ed and Fred are out fish and havin a grand old time. like they do every sunday. when all of a sudden Ed stops his fishing as a funeral procession passes, removes his hat and bows his head as a tear rolls down his cheek. Fred looks at him bewilder and says "I never know you were so senimental" to which Ed replies "well I was married to her for 40 yrs" Sorry have type this stuff fast the boss is in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 In honour of Birchy...... 1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.). 2. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 6. The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 7. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 8. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 9. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 10. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Jesus Murphy Taco, that hurt my throat from the groaning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 There you go Brown stone add the part i omitted. Sorry have type this stuff fast the boss is in. LOL..that is funny..for a minute there I was thinking my sense of humour was broken Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 In honour of Birchy...... 1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.). 2. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 6. The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 7. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 8. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 9. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 10. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's some good material right there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbowtrout Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Mafia Don An old Italian, Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed... "Lissin-a me, I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin... Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coupla bambinos." "Maybe, somma day you gonna comma home and find you beautifula wife inna da bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say, "Time's up?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 LOL Thats funny. I knew a couple of guys like that back in TO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 You guys hear about the sidewalk??? No??? Well it's all over town! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Birchy I don't know where you find these man, but that one was older that my grand mother, and she is so old she, farts dust Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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