I Haven't Posted A Joke In Awhile..

[birchy]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

 

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[LynnF]

Mike: laugh

Lynn: groan

 

Not good B-man....try again.

 

A nut was walking down the street. He was assaulted.

[birchy]

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

 

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

 

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

 

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

 

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[bigbowtrout]

[toolman]

I had a Chiwahwah one time...He was the smartest dog in the world... I even tried to teach him how to play poker, but he sucked at it...He kept wagging his tail every time he had a good hand...

[rehsifylf]

I like the one about the one that got away. If only I can remember it for next year's fishing extravaganza.

 

Heres one that bcube and toolman might like.

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

 

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said...

 

"Only caught one, eh?"

[agbff]

How did the Scotsman find his sheep in the dreary countrside?

 

....Very pleasing.

[cdock]

What do you call a fish with no eye?

 

 

Fsh.

[Weedy1]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Calgarian woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly Calgarian woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? . . . . . . Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"