..

[Taco]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either," said the man.

"Well then," said the doctor, "WTF would you want to live to be a hundred?"

[jksnijders]

 

 

Awesome..

[theiceman2]

A man went to his doctor and said I cannot pleasure my wife anymore in my later years, can you help?

The doctor replies that "in our later years over heating can play a major roll in a womans ability to climax, you could hire somone to fan your wife while you try to pleasure her.

On the doctors advise the old guy hires a strapping young man strong enough to wave the biggest fan he could find for two hours.

 

After a failed attempt that night under a gentle breeze of the fan, he returned to the Doctor and said " no luck doc the fanning didn't work". The Doc suggests maybe it isnt the fanning thats the problem and maybe the old man and the young fan boy should switch.

 

Thats night as the young man worked his majic the old lady sang like she never did before and climaxed three times in a row.

 

 

The old man stood up, pushing the young buck to the side as he handed him the fan and said

 

"NOW THATS HOW YOU WORK A FU^%ING FAN"!

[Taco]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731?"

[SteveM]

Funny,funny stuff,fellas!!

Keep 'em coming...

 

[Taco]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old-man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!?"

The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get that damn jar open..."

 

[Brownstone]

A farmer had a dozen pigs that couldn't get pregnant, so he brings them to the vet, he examines them and tells the farmer that he'll have to do the deed himself..Very puzzled but also desperate, the farmer agrees. The vet said that the morning after if the pigs are lying in the sun, they are not pregnant, if they are rolling in the mud then they are indeed pregnant. So being a little embarrassed about he whole situation he decides to do the deed way up in the woods where nobody could possibly see him, so he loads all the pigs up in his pick-up and heads to the hills. He tries and tries for days on end to no avail every morning the pigs are lying in the sun..not pregnant.. so even more desperate, he brings the pigs back to the vet for another examination..the vet unsure of why he's not getting the results asks the farmer if he's doing it long enough and with enough "romance" .. the farmer very confused replies "I'm just doing it" so the vet convinces the farmer to give it one more shot doing it longer with a little more "romance", the farmer agrees and heads to the woods..The next morning the old boy is a little tired from doing the deed to all these pigs, and asks his wife to look out the window to see what the pigs are doing..she looks out the window and exclaims "oh my" the farmer raises up in bed and asks excitedly "they are rolling in the mud?" his wife says "no" .. he then lies back down and replies "then they are lying in the sun not pregnant AGAIN" .. his wife replies "no"..the farmer frustrated at this time, snaps at her "what the hell are they doing then?" she says "they are all in the back of your pick-up and one is blowing the horn"