Please Help! How Do You Deal With An Angry Child

[CopperJonny]

Hey all,

 

Considering that I feel there are quite a few level heads on here who I respect, I'm reaching out and would like to ask for some help.

Long story short........a friend of mine has recently split up with her husband apparently this guy was a piece of work.. i.e.: calling her names (yep the "C" word) in front of the kids (3yrs & 10yrs) and calling her down, even telling the kids he didn't want them etc etc... unreal, and imo... somethings no child should ever witness or hear! ESPECIALLY from there Dad.. anyway .. thats not the point... thankfully she came too, and the last time he threatened her to divorce him... she agreed! rocked his world! I'm proud of her for finally having enough and the guts to oblige... This woman is a good girl... she didn't warrant nor deserve that treatment, and paramount to that, neither did the children..

 

So here is my concern... the 10 year old young fella'.. the poor little guy is going through some tough times, I get it! I remember when my parents split up i was younger so its not the same, but i remember... when parents split up its simply a relationship between two that has not worked out as planned. Only problem is hen there are kids involved.. well ... that messes em up... i.e.: that kitchen, set of stairs, TV room, playroom, bathtub, bedrooms... well nothing less.. are their WHOLE world! So when the parent split up .. well the foundations are rocked.. and being a youngin' and not ever having to deal with anything like that, nor the skills to cope with..you know ... it affects em pretty harshly... for better or worse... the parents are no longer the "rock" they once were. So this little fella is dealing with anger issues.. The parents don't agree, but i know... this little guy is soo pissed, I get it. What the problem is, nearly on a daily basis, the young fella threatens to kill his baby sister, beats up his mom, throws temper tantrums, no matter how hard they try to calm him.. he ends up in his room and has broken the handle of his door, been kicked out of summer camp last year, even before they broke up etc... becomes violent. He has never been hit or anything, yet he takes after his Dad in that he is verbally abusive to his mom.... I get that too... the only influence he's ever witnessed was the way his Dad spoke to his mom.. and he thinks its ok..

 

Not being a parent myself ... yet.. (I have a God daughter, yet I'm not a bio Dad .. yet) I feel funny trying to cosole and offer advice... my fear is offering the wrong advice. Too date I've mentioned to .. " not let him feel like he is right in doing so, yet sit him down after he calms down and be a friend, and ask whats wrong.. and to support him and let him know how proud they are ei.. in his accomplishments in hockey etc... tell him how much he is loved... and how important he is.. and that he now has a responsibility (10 i know but...) in being a big brother and explain how he is looked at by his baby sister... let him know how much she looks up to him, and will nearly (for lack of a better term) "worship" his every move... and emulate him... too merely to kind of get his attention.. and give him a role as in being the "Big Brother". I don't know.. just thinking out loud when i say this stuff.. it sure beats grabbing those little ankles and baseball battin' him off the wall lol.. to get him to delete the tantrums and threats... yeah sick joke sorry..

 

I haven't actually had the chance to take him fishing yet.... have a friend to friend talk with him... oppose to one of his "parents" trying to have a chat.. and being a "grown up" who went through a break up as most of us these days did when we where young.. i feel a responsibility to help this young fella get through this.. (and heck NO i had nothing to do with it, so I'm not a participant in the breakup! I swear! and that is not the reason i feel why i want to help) Both parents were 100% faithful and actually the 1st for each... was kind of one of those things you would think should've worked, yet didn't.

 

So... What do you think? What would you say? ... How would you deal with that? What is the best way to help this little guy overcome his anger issues?... It's taking a lot out of the parents and being the only children of the two... they haven't dealt with this before either.. so i thought I would reach out and ask this Dr. Phil scenario, hoping some of you may help give me some ideas... I'm all ears!! tia

 

Jonny

 

 

[fishinglibin]

I admire your concern, and for some reasons can understand where his method of thinking comes from. He still needs a man in his life, as you said a big brother type to calmly let him know what you or others see. I know you are a busy guy, but some time on the river to enjoy and talk in a calm setting is great, or even a night of burger or pizza and a video game. The little guy likely also need counselling, and to maybe join a youth group of some kind. They are smarter than most think. But you see your father, the greatest guy on earth do that, and you do that. He will not fully understand over night, but well thought word delivered in a positive manner and relaxed surrounding help. I spent years mentoring a boy, more a young man(teen) after his Dad died and had anger issues for other reasons that his Mom was on the receiving end of. Any bit helps, but he needs more than a bit, and you can't do it all. Maybe the kids help line or the crisis center for Mom to call. They may point her in a direction for help. This is such an important time in the kids lives that they need a lot of direction from a few avenues. If money is also an issue, I think the previously mentioned services may help. Maybe a call to the childrens hospital can set up Mom with a social worker or psychologist for more direction. I honestly hope the kids get the help they or he needs, and very much appreciate your concern. You are a good man CJ

[Sean84]

From the the point of view of a husband with a wife who does therapy with children and my own psychology degree and work with others, I had a hard time reading much past the threats and destruction. I think a proper child psychologist is the best course of action at this time. At best its just the child acting out over the situation or poor parenting but It could escalate or be an underlying problem or condition. And if money is an issue alberta does have good funding for children in need of counseling. Thats my point of view not in anyways to be taken as anything other then such.

[CopperJonny]

Thanks Guys, I appreciate your advice... I thought of that yet was not sure if a psychologist or psychiatrist was the proper route... I will mention it for sure now.. money isn't a question .. both are actuaries/accountants.. so it is within their realm to get him the best help he needs. Hopefully.. Thank you very much, I shall heed your advice... I do agree, it certainly is beyond my means, and much larger than i may assist, in considering the "threats".. very scary situation here... which is why I spoke up in search of advice from you... "Red Flags" you know.. Thanks... Jonny

 

Oh .... and yes.... I do plan ASAP to get this little fella out in the boat for some relaxing, quality time and introduce him to some trout.. try and get that smile on his face... like only catching one has that magic to do to us..

[kstick]

I'll 3rd the others' advise! There are several options for counselling: Alberta Health Services has a number of services and programs; the Calgary Counseling Centre has options; McMan Youth Family and Community Services Association has a family development program that supports parents and children; Wood's Homes has programs; Hull Services has options. Calgary and Area Child and Family Services Authority (CFSA) is a referral resource that can help find the best service for your young friend and his family.

 

In the meantime be a positive role model. Let him see you get angry and deal with it constructively and appropriately, accept (love) him unconditionally, but don't allow him to feel rewarded for his bad behavior. He may be a hurt and angry child, but kids are inherently resilient.

 

It's too bad that more kids don't have someone like you willing to step up for them, best wishes

[muha]

I'm no psychologist, but i had similar issues as a teen. Counseling is probably the worst thing you can do for that kid, confinding your feelings and emotions to a stranger does not work that well, and can backfire.

What he needs is someone to look up to, someone who will comfort him with thrust, set him examples, give him responsibilities where he can acknowledge the impact he has on people around him and get positive reaction.

Never talk to him in a manner where he might feel guilty, you have to humble him by example, until he gets it and puts 2 and 2 together.

 

Once you gain kids thrust you will not believe how they can change.

 

This takes a lot of honest effort, love and dedication. Money does not cure these kind of problems(therapist...). before you try counseling with him, i'd say his parents need it more than he does, after all they got him to the point where he is now.

 

All thismkid needs is some positive attention and good examples.

 

 

I was lucky that i had someone who devoted their time for me, a newfie irishman, ww2 veteran and a freaking superhero in my mind. Despite having two parents, this person really was the one who set me straigth.

 

When i see a "lost" kid like that it sets me off, it's the parents that are root of his problems, mother is just as guilty as the father, they are both "c-words" until they realise what they've done through their actions, blame/guilt game has led to where they are now.

 

Man, i just got upset to the point of crying it out, its freakin 7am.

 

Good luck and be strong! You just might end up as a superhero in someones eyes!

 

[DaveJensen]

From my perspective, in hindsight of having lived and grown through something similar, for as bad as the situation can appear, it's not as bad as it likely looks. But it will take years. But that's the point of parenting. The kid likely needs more love and attention than the typical kid, sure. But, more than anything, he needs consistency. One thing I can tell you first hand: if you aren't willing to commit to being in the kid's life for the next 10 years, don't get emotionally involved - as much as it might hurt you to walk away it could shatter the kid. Mom will have way more to say about stability than anyone else and I suspect as a friend there's nothing more you can do for the kid than to support mom in establishing her life and encouraging her to provide stability and time for the kid with positive role models and encouraging influences.

[muha]

Bang on dave!

[CopperJonny]

Thanks Guy's.. hmm... i originally felt a mix of what everyone has mentioned... STABILITY is key... and the fundamental source of healing for this little guy... and your right Dave.... I have to figure out to what extent I am willing or capable of being a consistent role model in this fella's life.. I've always had a knack for getting to know kids... i kind of empathize and put myself to there level and learn what makes them tick.. is how I reach them... I have volunteered at a Summer Camp as a junior then senior counsellor for under privileged children when I lived back home in the maritimes throughout high school and after wards. Taught me a lot about we as youngsters and myself too.. You are accurate in stating any little move may "shatter" young ones forever, if not a long time... we're so impressionable at that age. Children spend the rest of there lives nearly second guessing everything that comes into contact with their lives after something as "tragic" as a simple breakup by two people who thought they would last forever initially. Too us its not only a disheartening often dark moment in our lives, a window pane of learning... and an attempt at what we dream of.. which we usually get over in time.. but to them.. its everything..huh.. i've a lot of thinking to do.. tact... ..

 

And I agree.. positive.. encouragement.. and i like the thought of leading by example.... to "show him myself getting angry, and dealing with it constructively" as in teach him it can be done.. and even telegraph some tactics how... in a positive way... silver lining to every cloud...

 

Thank you.. this is what i was praying for when i wrote this... a collage of ideas ... and to attempt a masterpiece! for this kid.

 

Yet i do ponder about professional help... as i don't want his future headspace to be cast by my opinion alone! I agree about the " complete stranger and sharing in confidence" as a child.. but it may also teach him that there are avenues he may reach out for when in need.. hmm.. and yes definitely the parents are due for some as well.. I will figure a way to push that though... first off..

[Castuserraticus]

People who are afraid to seek professional help in parenting can be doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. That's why every successful professional athlete or business person has coaches/advisors on the payroll. Nobody inside a volatile relationship can realistically evaluate that relationship. Emotion clouds judgement.

[Hawgstoppah]

Swift and severe punishment every time the child acts out. I don't mean spanks and hitting and the whatnot.

 

But I do mean extra chores like cleaning the bathroom toilet, scrubbing the kitchen floor, and other chores the kid will NOT want to do, and if he does not do those assigned chores take away all of his privileges like TV and iPods and internet and toys and whatever he has up and until his room has nothing in it but a dresser and ONE change of clothes.

 

My kids know by now that if they have been assigned ONE extra chore (the first one is usually NOT too bad) they had BETTER shape up. And they do.

 

Any failure to enforce punishment is a parenting failure and will result in the kid pushing his "luck" repeatedly because he can.

 

Those are my thoughts and they do seem to work, we have 4 of the most well behaved kids "most" of the time (there are always going to be those bad days).

 

Cheers,