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Jokes To Offend Everyone


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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?>~Juan on Juan

 

What is the difference between>a Harley and a Hoover ?>~The position of the dirt bag

 

Why is divorce so expensive?>~Because it's worth it.

 

What do you see when the>Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?>~Doughnuts

 

Why is air a lot like sex?>~Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

 

What do you call a smart blonde?>~A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?>~Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between>a girlfriend and wife?>~45 lbs

 

What's the difference between>a boyfriend and husband?>~45 minutes

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?>~Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?>~They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and >good-looking?>~Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between>a new husband and a new dog?>~After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

What makes men chase women>they have no intention of marrying?>~The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of >driving.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?>~Because they have cotton balls.

 

What's the difference between>a porcupine and BMW?>~A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when>she found out she was pregnant?>~'Are you sure it's mine?'

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?>~Mace will do that to you.

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to>move to West Virginia ?>~Everyone has the same DNA.

 

Why do men find it difficult>to make eye contact?>~Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?>~He walks around saying 'Yo.'

 

Why do drivers' education>classes in Redneck schools>use the car only on Mondays,>Wednesdays and Fridays?>~Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?>~A different bar.

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?>~They named him 'Sum Ting Wong

 

What would you call it when>an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?>~A speech impediment.

 

What does it mean when the>flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?>~They're hiring.

 

What's the difference between>a southern zoo and a northern zoo?>~A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the >cage along with... 'a recipe'.

 

How do you get a sweet little>80-year-old lady to say the F word?>~Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between>a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?>A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'>~A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t'

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?>~No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

 

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

 

The condom has a number of patches on it.

 

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

 

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

 

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

 

"How much for a new one?"

 

"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.

 

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

 

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

 

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

 

"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."

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Married Life

 

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting

about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all

three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

 

After a few days they meet again.....

 

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back

home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said,

'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

 

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was

wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a

raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' t say a word. We just had

wild sex all night.'

 

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my

mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos

and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV

remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for supper?'

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Things That Are Impossible To Say When Drunk

 

1. No thanks, I'm married.

 

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

 

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

 

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

 

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

 

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

 

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordinations. I'd hate to look like a fool!

 

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

 

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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I'm afraid i have to apologize. I've never try rating an article before and mistakenly gave this a poor rating. Wasn't my intent. I meant to give it a 5. Had a good laugh.

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Why do men find it difficult>to make eye contact?>~Breasts don't have eyes.

 

What does it mean when the>flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?>~They're hiring.

 

How do you get a sweet little>80-year-old lady to say the F word?>~Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between>a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?>A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'>~A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t'

 

These are the best. :lol:

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