Now I Know...now I Get It...

[Guest Sundancefisher]

Ladies may need a translator to understand the Dude Code

DAVID EDDIE

 

From Friday's Globe and Mail

 

January 18, 2008 at 1:57 AM EST

 

The question

 

My friend's girlfriend came home early when we were playing poker at his house and was horrified by the way we talk to him. It's true we ride him quite a bit, but it's all in good fun (well, mostly: some of it can be a little harsh, I admit). She stormed in, called us all “jerks” and broke up the poker game. A few days later we got an e-mail saying she did not appreciate our “puerile insults” and disrespect. Now he's been hard to get in touch with and we suspect she's told him he can't hang with us any more. We were just treating him the same as we did long before she arrived on the scene. Are we supposed to apologize to him? To her?

 

The answer

 

Ladies: I know it's counterintuitive, but men express their affection for one another via the insult.

 

This was well captured, I thought, in the movies Knocked Up and Superbad. Judd Apatow and crew have a lock on this stuff. Lines like “Your face looks like Robin Williams's knuckles” (in reference to a character's beard in Knocked Up) or from Superbad: “Fogell, shut the **** up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin,” ring pretty true to me.

 

And I'm McLovin it. For years the airwaves have been awash in treacly, Sex and the City, oh-no-that-top-looks-great-on-you-honey girly talk. Now, finally, the way men talk to each other when there are no women around is getting some onscreen representation.

 

Women, if I may continue boldly to generalize, tend to compliment one another in person and save the more critical material for, shall we say, discussion with a third party.

 

Men will just say stuff right to your face. I remember once a friend of mine, flipping through some vacation snaps, came across one of me in a bathing suit and merely said, “What's the matter, buddy? Lose your gym membership?”

 

Ladies, can you imagine? But I wasn't hurt. I know him to be not only one of my closest friends, but also a tireless supporter: one of my top lieutenants in the field.

 

Maybe it did sting a bit. But it helped, too. Hmm, I thought, maybe my physique could use a little de-pearification. I need to re-Adonisize myself immediately! Time to hit the gym!

 

And perhaps that's the point of “chop busting.” To cattle-prod each other forward to greater heights of self-improvement. I've certainly found that time spent in masculine society is an excellent antidote to ego preening, self-importance and putting on airs.

 

But it can go too far, too. I know some men use “banter” as a cloak to take serious, wounding jabs at people – a Class A Dude Code misdemeanour.

 

The Dude Code governs all male behaviour – it's a rulebook not only unwritten but unspoken. (How else would you expect a male code to be?) It is simply understood. And every man knows, deep down, when he has taken it too far, when chop busting for fun has edged over to the zings and poisonous arrows of genuinely insulting cracks.

 

So that's the bit of Damage Control you need to take care of first. Ask yourself: “Is our banter in fact friendly, only gently mocking? Does it come enwrapped in an implicit Twinkie of affection and support and love?”

 

If you cannot honestly answer that question with a “yes,” then I think you need to take him out for a drink – maybe all of you at once, in a kind of anti-intervention – and say, “Look, upon reflection, we realize we've been riding you too hard and we're going to back off and take it easy on you from now on.”

 

I know: It sounds like a horribly uncomfortable situation, and no doubt it will be, but the total elapsed time of this discussion, before someone coughs and changes the subject or waves the waitress over for more drinks, I would estimate to be in the neighbourhood of about seven seconds. And though he may not respond on the spot, you can bet your friend will think about it, and in the end appreciate it.

 

But if it is (mostly) just all in good fun, if you treat him with the same mixture of respect and disrespect as you do each other, I think you should approach the girlfriend.

 

I wouldn't apologize, except maybe to say you're sorry about how it “came off.” But explain to her, as you did to me, that this is a standard feature of masculine interaction. Maybe write it out as a note and include the note as part of a loot-bag peace offering that includes a bottle of chardonnay and copies of Knocked Up and Superbad by way of audiovisual illustration.

 

Who could resist such a charming gift? Tell her that's just the way men are, that they don't mean anything by it, it's just a way of keeping each other real, letting off steam, sanding down each other's rough edges.

 

Attempt to convey the difficult-to-swallow-but-consummate truth that it's only when you stop mocking and insulting her boyfriend that she should worry. Because that means his friends have either decided he's too fragile and “delicate” to take it; or his faults (or girth) have mushroomed to such proportions they now fall outside the purview of friendly banter; or both.

 

When they stop busting his chops, explain to her: That's the ultimate insult.

 

David Eddie is a screenwriter and the author of Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.

 

I've made a huge mistake

[reevesr1]

Back in my single days in the Navy, I had an apartment with my best friend. He had the sharpest, fastest wit of anyone I have ever met. I can typically hold my own in a chop busting contest, but this guy was unmatched. My only recourse was to hang in there as long as I could and as soon ratcheting up the insults until I ran out of ammo, then act like his next comment was over the line. "Man, I can't believe you just said that. You think maybe that's a bit too far?" At which point he would apologize, I would laugh at him and feel I was the victor. Well, he became wise to my ploy and began to doubt my sincerity when I would appear to be wounded by his comment. One time I held out for at least a day with the cold shoulder treatment until he said "I guess maybe I did go a bit too far" at which point I laughed at him again. He called me some very bad names. I won again.

[grannyknot]

Too true!

I watched Superbad last night, hilarious in a brainless kind of way.

[SteveM]

Back in my single days in the Navy, I had an apartment with my best friend. He had the sharpest, fastest wit of anyone I have ever met. I can typically hold my own in a chop busting contest, but this guy was unmatched. My only recourse was to hang in there as long as I could and as soon ratcheting up the insults until I ran out of ammo, then act like his next comment was over the line. "Man, I can't believe you just said that. You think maybe that's a bit too far?" At which point he would apologize, I would laugh at him and feel I was the victor. Well, he became wise to my ploy and began to doubt my sincerity when I would appear to be wounded by his comment. One time I held out for at least a day with the cold shoulder treatment until he said "I guess maybe I did go a bit too far" at which point I laughed at him again. He called me some very bad names. I won again.

 

Your friend's name wasn't George Carlin, was it?

I was just checking out a few of his quotes, & he was busting your chops, Rick.

Check this one out:

"When you're born, you get a ticket to the freakshow. When you're born in

America, you get a front row seat."

Or how about:

"You know the good thing about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

 

Now, Rick, you know we all love ya; but, I don't think Mr. Carlin is feelin' ya.

You can try engaging George in a chop-busting contest, but I'm pretty sure

he's several weight classes above ya.

Peace out!

-Steve-

[Brownstone]

buddy obviously didn't take the razzing as playful as the rest of the guys or he would have stuck up for you/himself .. as for her .. no comment .. thats an unfortunate situation in which to be involved

[reevesr1]

Your friend's name wasn't George Carlin, was it?

I was just checking out a few of his quotes, & he was busting your chops, Rick.

Check this one out:

"When you're born, you get a ticket to the freakshow. When you're born in

America, you get a front row seat."

Or how about:

"You know the good thing about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

 

Now, Rick, you know we all love ya; but, I don't think Mr. Carlin is feelin' ya.

You can try engaging George in a chop-busting contest, but I'm pretty sure

he's several weight classes above ya.

Peace out!

-Steve-

 

Steve,

You are making me feel bad. Stop it please.

[darthwader]

Best Ever...

 

Stuart: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick! I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

 

Too funny...

[Harps]

Best Ever...

 

Stuart: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick! I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

 

Too funny...

 

HEEED, MOVE!

One of the best movies ever.

Mike Myers Rocks.