Tungsten Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 A spey guy is driving down a road looks over into a field and sees a farmer pulling on the ass end of a cow.The spey guy turns his Cavalier around and drives over to the farmer and sees a calf coming out of the cow.He asks the farmer .How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tungsten Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 When geese fly in a V formation .Why is one side longer than the other? More birds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawgstoppah Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Ok I posted this one elsewhere but no one read it. A man comes home to his wife after shooting a deer in the woods. They decide to cook some of the meat for dinner. They know their kids are very picky eaters, so they decide NOT to tell the kids what it actually is... but to let them guess. The kids guess a bit.... and finally give up and ask for a clue. Dad says... "well, it's something your mom calls me sometimes" The kid spits out the bite he was taking and yells to the others "DONT EAT IT - IT's ***hole!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailhead Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It's tough love growing up on the farm.... A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he as ks. 'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teck71 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it. The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back. The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee. I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it. I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth. Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth. As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it. The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back. The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee. I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it. I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth. Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth. As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxwell Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 my irish ancestor was stumbling down teh street drunk one night when he came across a magic lamp. he picks it up give it a rub and a djinni pops out and says he will grant him 3 wishes. so the irishman says i want a bottle of wisky that will fill itself up automatically once im done drinking it. the djinni says no problem and poof a bottle of whiskey appears in his hand. the irishman drinks it all and poof the bottle is full again. so the irishamn looks over at the djinni with amazement and says i will take 2 more of these Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeler Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 What do you call a woman with a broken leg and no crutches? Ilene What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who goes swimming? Bob Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 My 2 fav "no arms and no legs" jokes.. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water skiing? Skip What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the bushes? Russell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Whadya call a female Mexican with no arms or legs? Consuelo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Whadya call a guy with no arms or legs laying in a hole? Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefisherking Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Where do you find a dog with no legs? the same place you left him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birchy Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Whadya call a guy with no arms or legs laying in a hole? Phil No, no! Phil is laying BESIDE the hole.. Doug is laying in the hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawgstoppah Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 whadya call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt... whadya call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill... whadya call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall? Art..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bull Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Alright who's using their tools correctly?? COMMON TOOLS DEFINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh *hit..." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxwell Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 rofl taht is freakin awsome! seen almost every single one of those during my winter work..... that made my day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Whadya call a female Mexican with no arms or legs? Consuelo nobody figured that out yet huh? run it past your mother or your bitter half and see what she hits you with Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffro Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 nobody figured that out yet huh? run it past your mother or your bitter half and see what she hits you with Yes she can swallow but I was hoping someone else would bite so I wouldn't have to dirty dirty dirty Taco......roflmao Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jksnijders Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Yes she can swallow but I was hoping someone else would bite so I wouldn't have to Missed the mark I think.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffro Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Missed the mark I think.... Then please enlighten me...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawgstoppah Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 That one about the tools is so bang on man... LOLOL I'm gonna save that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jksnijders Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Then please enlighten me...... The missing lower limbs would put the alluded to body part considerably closer to the floor...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? A. You can drop her off anywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffro Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 The missing lower limbs would put the alluded to body part considerably closer to the floor...... Then I believe u failed to read my respose appropriately........Missed the mark on that one I think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taco Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with? A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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